Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Epitome of Last Nights Jesco White Performance. (note: this is not me)

The Epitome of Last Nights Jesco White Performance

A lively crowd.

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Life’s Little Victories

Sometimes, it’s the little moments of victory in life that boost your ego the most. Here are 32 of my recent personal favorites.

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When you see girls from High School that used to be skinny and now they’re gigunda.

When you watch a mermaid movie and get the urge to go swimming, but choose to splash around belly down with your head under water in the bathtub instead.

When you think you’re out of food, but then remember there’s string cheese in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.

When you find out the boy who ruined a decent portion of your life in High School is now engaged to an ogre.

When you bring home a guy from a bar that’s walking distance from your apartment, and the following morning he tells you he lives 3 miles down the road so then you tell him you don’t have a car and make him do the walk of shame.

When you freestyle rap and rhyme “midget” with “legit” and everybody freaks out.

Finding a ring pop in your purse.

When you find out one of your childhood friend is a porn star now.

When you’re eating something delicious in front of your friends and you know they want some, but you eat every bite, over-emphasizing how delicious it is.

When you’re picking your nose and realize that people are staring at you, but you continue anyways.

When you have everything you could possibly need… in your purse.

When you’re at a concert and successfully poke a guy in the butt and run away so he thinks it was the strange man standing next to him.

When there’s a Chic-Fil-A next door to your apartment.

When people keep complimenting your outfit… and you got it at Target.

When you finally have an opportunity to quote one of the 10 books you’ve ever read in your adult life in an intellectual conversation. Which is even more thrilling because 4 out of those 10 books were Chelsea Handler novels.

When you wake up in the morning and then realize you still have two more hours to sleep.

Anytime you eat Cooler Ranch Doritos.

When you get a mani-pedi and the little Asian lady massages your shoulders like a magical massaging panda bear from heaven.

When you and your friend both go into a public bathroom at the same time and you choose the only stall WITH toilet paper.

When you Tupac Walk away from someone to end a conversation.

When you’re unpacking and find your “Rocko’s Modern Life” t-shirt when you move into your new apartment.

When groups of people spontaneously burst into the theme song from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” in it’s entirety.

When you put your IPOD on shuffle and Missy Elliot comes on.

When someone shows up to a party with chips AND french onion dip.

When you give yourself a shampoo Mohawk and bubble beard in the bathtub.

When you decided not to straighten your hair today and you’re walking outside and it starts to rain.

When you think the cereal box is empty, but magically there’s just enough for one more bowl. THANK YOU JESUS!

When you say something funny at the perfect moment, and make someone spit their drink out.

When you put on an article of clothing you haven’t worn in a while and find money in the pocket.

When you’re eating outside at a restaurant and a guy walks by selling bubble blowers. Some may call it being taken advantage of in a moment of weakness… I call it spontaneous opportunity for nostalgic adventure.

When you have flying dreams.

When you read this post a year later and it’s still just as bad as you remember it being. Woops!

#WINNING!

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Happy Happy Joy Joy

 

I wrote a previous post about things that make me want to punch people in the face, there are a lot of them and that list continues to grow. But to avoid the assumption that I have anger problems, I wanted to show you all that I am in fact a happy human being and find happiness in a multitude of different things. So, there are plenty of things that make us all happy and here is a lengthy list of my own… not kidding, it’s a long one:

Catching all the green lights.

 

Crude humor.

Bacon.

When I’m pumping gas and it stops on an exact dollar amount.

Naps. Naps. Naps. Naps. Naps.

Finding a parking place quickly.

That “Jurassic Park” is coming out in 3-D. (!!!!)

Taco Bell.

A glorious view.

Drunken Karaoke.

When I have more than $50 in my bank account.

Drawing inappropriate art work on fogged up windows and/or dirty cars.

Beating people to the punchline.

Screaming bloody murder before the roller coaster has started it’s plunge… I enjoy confusing people.

White cherry ICEE’s at the movies.

Coloring. On paper, people, walls… whatever.

Poking someone in the butt at a crowded bar and then swiftly moving away and making them think it was someone else. Hilarious.

Knowing every word to extremely offensive rap songs.

When I’m losing weight without trying/ when I put on my pants and they’re loose. Best feeling.

When I’m hung over and it’s raining outside.

Boys with beards and plaid shirts. mmmmmm

Chocolate milk/ a bomb ass breakfast.

Yelling inappropriate things during awkward silences.

Trampolines.

Getting something right on the first try.

Making concert friends.

Spice Girls Radio on Pandora.

sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com

Buffalo Wings.

Pictures of Marilyn Monroe.

Bouncy Castles.

Reminiscing with my friends about all the ridiculous things we’ve done.

Writing.

Cool/inventive/interesting tattoos. Not chinese symbols or the Tasmanian devil.

Summer lake time.

Swinging on swings.

Finding my favorite pen.

My pre-shot taking rituals. Don’t want to do it? Alright then, enjoy being struck by lightening.

When I find out something awesome that completely blows my mind. Like that you can make grilled cheese in a toaster if you turn the toaster sideways. BOOM.

Dancing ridiculously.

Never having to do math or science or any of that nonsense ever again.

Creativity.

Dill pickles.

Freestyle rapping.

All that music.

Playing piano.

The ocean.

Playing corn hole.

When I find something that I thought I had I lost forever.

Reuniting with friends.

Funny videos and pictures on the internet machine.

Blanket world.

When I open my refrigerator and there’s food in it.

Harry Potter marathons.

When my cat lies around on his back because he’s so fat.

90’s Nickelodeon, but that’s another conversation entirely.

Not having a roommate so I’m free to do things like walk around naked in my apartment for extended periods of time.

When I get good grades on things that I did at the very last minute.

My bed.

Live music and Festivals. It’s always a happy time being around people just like you.

Arts and crafts time… It knows no age.

When my grandma brings me awesome things that I didn’t ask for. Like, flip video cameras and George Foreman grills. I love you grandma.

Snowboarding.

Good belly laughs.

Disney/Pixar movies.

Epic handshakes. Not the typical hello nice to meet you ones, but the kind you make up with a friend, simple or complicated… it’s your choice.

There we go, just to name a ton. Don’t worry be happy people!

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Stories From The Suburbs.

This is a story about what it was like during a typical day growing up in the suburbs to the tune of “Unforgivable.” Because it’s hard out there in the burbs.

Wake up in the morning and don’t want to get out of my queen size bed. 5 more minutes. Try and decide what color Abercrombie sweatshirt I should wear today. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME. Before I go to school my Mom makes me an egg sandwich and SOMETIMES she makes me cinnamon toast when I ASK for it. I get in my Jeep Liberty that my parents bought FOR me, back out of the three garage and drive 10 minutes to school, over the speed limit, with NO SEATBELT ON! Everything is fine until I get stuck behind a bus. NOW I’m late! My crush is driving in front of me, but the crossing guard lady doesn’t let me through! She’s  messing up my game, so I shoot her a DIRTY look.

I didn’t do my homework so I get a muffin from the cafeteria and I go take a nap in the nurse’s office and pretend I have cramps so she’ll write me a note excusing me from class. Always gotta cheat the system. I even held my salad up slightly off the scale when I went to pay during lunch so my salad was CHEAP. And now I have money to buy as many energy drinks and as much candy as I WANT. Yee.

After school I go directly to dance team practice and finish choreographing our half time routine for next weeks game. Three words: BACKHANDSPRINGS, SPLITS, KELIS.

After that I went to piano lessons and played Fur Elise. PERFECTLY. I’m gonna KILL it at my recital.

Then I met my best friends at Panera so we could study and eat pastries and GOSSIP. No one can believe that girl repeated her outfit TWICE in two weeks. So sad to see people hit rock bottom.

Went home and laid on the couch. 400 Channels and NOTHINGS ON, not even on HBO. Dad got home from work at like 6:30 and gave me a HUG. Moms was already cooking dinner. SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS. I tell them to let me know when it’s ready!! Then I go outside and jump on the trampoline and do mad flips even though my dad tells me NOT to. YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!!

Dinner is served.

The family sits around the table. I tell my sister I like her outfit and she tells me I can borrow it! Then we all ask each other about our days and watch Entertainment Tonight followed by Hollywood Squares. DAMN Whoopi is killin’ it AGAIN tonight in that center square! Mom reminds me that the cleaning lady is coming in the morning so I need to straighten up my room. I roll my eyes and then throw everything in my closet. Why do I have to clean before someone else is coming to clean??? …NOT cool.

Then I start a group chat with my crew on AIM and we make a game plan for the night. I set some Dashboard Confessional lyrics as my away message and I head out. I pull up in the center of town and meet up with my friends. Everybody’s parents are home so we get someone’s older brother to buy us beer and we drink it in my friend’s tree house until his parents go to bed. Then we sneak in the back sliding door and play VIDEO GAMES. TILL 4AM! And we watch movies that we’re not supposed to watch so we sink up the Nintendo-64 to switch it quick in case Moms came down. IT WAS STRESSFUL. And in then the middle of the night I wake up and go into the kitchen and eat some leftover American Chop Suey my friends mom had made for dinner and drink some juice cocktail FROM THE CARTON. Then I put on some American Eagle pajamas and I go to SLEEP.

Because tomorrow…I gotta do it all again.

Virtual Insanity/Hungry Hungry Hypocrite

Computers are magical, the Internet is sweet and technology is just all around awesome, fantastic and every other synonym for GREAT that you can think of. I think if I were forced to go through school or do advertising work without it I would probably shoot myself in the face, long division was where I drew the line. But with the majority of the Worlds population swan diving into the technology pool in an effort to make our lives simpler, I believe we are only making things more complicated… and it’s getting better all the time.

I will be the first to admit, I am completely addicted to the Internet, digital media, technology in general and all of that and I often am overwhelmed with a sense of panic when I don’t have my phone or my computer close by and I would lose my mind without my ipod. I check my Facebook constantly and more often than not, I don’t even do anything on Facebook (lie). But alas, I still find myself scrolling down my newsfeed when I usually don’t give a flying fuck that Suzy Sugartits checked in at Kangaroo Billys Burger Bonanza with 0 of her friends, but I still want to be in the loop for some reason or another.

While I physically press the gas peddle to accelerate my car, all I do is plug in an address into my nav and MY CAR tells ME where to go and my car is 7 years old. Now cars can like sense when you’re falling asleep and wake you up and fucking park themselves and shit, which just blows my goddamn mind. (so many swears!) Maybe soon we’ll all just be able to I Dream of Jeannie ourselves everywhere… I would be fine with that.

We live in the real world, but most of our lives entail existing within virtual reality. VIRTUAL= Not physically existing as such but made by software to appear to do so. REALITY= the World or the state of things as they actually exist, a thing that is actually experienced on seen. Virtual reality is a complete oxymoron. It’s just funny to me that most of our experiences now involve sharing relevant content from the internet with each other and staring at a computer screen for the majority of our days or yelling at people on Xbox LIVE. And then when we are actually together, face to face, we talk about that viral video or meme or what the fuck ever from the internet with each other or talk shit about each other, or complain about how much work we have to do, or a combination of all three if you go to PC.

Like even when people go on vacation, where they’re supposed to be escaping reality for however long, they still “update” everyone by posting pictures of themselves online everyday, with their ridiculously oversized rainbow colored frozen beverages and themselves jumping on the beach to let you know how EXCITING their vacation is and a picture of every single outfit they wore on every single night of their trip. There is just no hiding from it. And I still catch myself looking at these pictures even though I don’t care at all! WHY?!?! Remember when going on vacation meant disappearing off the grid for a week or so and then coming back and telling people about it or just being fucking tan in the middle of the winter?

Now people can know exactly what’s going on in my life simply because we are Facebook friends. Which just means I have excepted their invitation to equally not care about what the other is doing with their life, and now know what’s going on with them enough to never actually have a conversation with them ever again, usually. And we all want to feel validated that other people “like” or approve of the things we are doing by updating our status, location and just sharing information with each other. I wish I didn’t actually “LOL” at pictures of ugly people walking around Wal-Mart and at videos of cats doing funny things, but I do!!

I guess the point is, don’t forget to listen to a vinyl record from time to time or to read a book or to go lay out on the beach without your cellphone, it’s good for you. Sometimes I wish I could just completely unplug myself, but then I think I would fail to function as a human being and would be shunned from society like the fat kid at dodgeball… so, I gotta stay connected even if it makes me feel like my brains going to explode. Unless I decide to pull a Chris McCandless, and then maybe someone will write a book about me, but I would fail at that too because I would need to Google everything in order to survive and would die of boredom, so fast. Fuck. Who wants to play Draw Something?

An Ode To Boobies

You’re close to my heart

And always by my front

This one goes out to you, my lovely lady lumps.

At the University of Fun Bags,

No one wants to pass.

We all hope for D’s in every class.

The secret’s out, Victoria

It’s your jugs.

Once they arrive,

Dramatic increase in hugs.

Throughout your day

You’ll get a lot more “hello’s”

If you show off

Your dirty pillows.

The all powerful pair,

They get shit done

Special treatment, promotions, free drinks and fun.

Dolly Parton’s sweater puffs

Pack a huge punch

On hers she can rest

Breakfast, dinner and lunch.

Bat your eyelashes

And push up your boobs

9 out of 10 times,

You’ll never lose.

When climbing up the corporate ladder

Cleavage will help you do it faster.

The twins always point you in the forward direction

And help get you into the VIP section

When the neckline is plunging

The boys can’t think clear

Excuse me there buddy,

My eyes are up here.

Boobies are something

The world loves to see

And they’re especially awesome,

When they’re in 3-D.

Pray for big knockers,

And hope God grants the blessing

Unless of course

You’re Deborah Messing.

Barbie has no nipples,

That’s a fact

But all in all,

Still a decent rack.

European beaches,

Heaven for the foreigner

Nobody puts boobies in a corner.

Often found painted

In museum pictures

And strangely resembled

By ceiling light fixtures.

They’re always supported,

Even when they’re not.

Three cheers for boobies,

Because we all know, they rock.

We’ll have no talk of man boobs though

That should stay quiet.

If you have those

You should go on a diet.

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23 Things That Make Me Want To Punch People In The Face

There are plenty of things out there that drive us all nuts. Here is a list of some things (in no particular order) that currently make me want to Hulk Smash:
1)    People beating jokes into the ground, or people who are only funny when they repeat other peoples jokes.
                             Exhibit A: Nickelback Jokes
                             Exhibit B: Jokes about lower back tattoos
                             Exhibit C: Zooey Deschanel
2)   Things that are blatant lies. You’re not fooling anyone, Outback Steakhouse.
3)   People who seem super cool or witty or attractive or smart on Facebook, but in real life they fucking aren’t, like whatsoever.
4) Girls that wear high heels that they can’t walk in so they waddle around uncomfortably for everyone to see. If you know you’re going to be at school or work or wherever for an extended period of time, wear something that doesn’t make it painful to look at you.
5) The Duck Face. ENOUGH!
6) GEICO ads. Time to close the book on weird talking animals that have nothing to do with anything. Your ad’s suck so bad right now even Progressive is kicking your ass, and Flo’s a serious bitch.
7) People talking about their pets like they are their children. Your children don’t shit on the living room floor (hopefully) or leave dead mice at your door to tell you they love you.
8) When people leave the volume up on their phone in a quiet room, or even leave it on vibrate. If you’re getting your text on, turn your phone on fucking silent, your vibrating jingles are annoying and no one thinks you’re important because your phone keeps going off. You’re probably talking to your mom.
9) On the same note as #8- if you’re in a computer lab or on your computer in the general vicinity of other people and you want to listen to music or watch magical YouTube videos or whatever that requires volume… WEAR SOME GODDAMN HEADPHONES. While there are only two types of people in the world: Kelly Clarkson fans and LIARS, the same does not go for Megadeth and “Zombie Nation.”
10) Lindsay Blohan. Girl, your teeth are falling out and your face has chronic coke bloat/collagendowns-syndrome. While I enjoyed your side boob in Machete, please stop trying to jump on the comeback bus, seats taken.
11) People that smell like soup. I don’t know if you use Campbell’s Chunky Body Wash or what, but shits gotta stop. Seriously.
12) Super unnecessarily rude unattractive girls. All I asked you was what time it is, easy on the stink face.
13) That people “liking” or commenting on your Facebook status, pictures and posts has become a huge form of validation. For example: “Damn it! The only person that liked my status was some kid from high school that always tries to Facebook chat me even though I don’t remember ever having a face-to-face conversation with him in my whole life, oh and my mom. DELETE!”
14) When people tell you not to swear in everyday situations where you should be allowed to swear. That’s like trying to eat one potato chip, it’s impossible. Why don’t you stop blinking?
15) UNNECESSARY USE OF CAPS LOCK.
16) The Education Connection commercial jingle.  >:O
17) The sound of people clipping their nails. I shudder at the thought.
18) When someone eats something and then says “Oh my God, this is sooooo nasty… try it!” NO! I’m not going to try it, you just said it was gross, why would I want to put myself through that??
19) People who talk during movies. Particularly people who say things like “oh my god, watch, this part is crazy” or things like that OR people in movie theaters that ruin the movie for everyone. Shut, the fuck, up. Thanks.
20) When people say “Oh I know, right?” WRONG!!
21) The rainbow wheel on Mac’s.
22) When the car in front of you doesn’t realize they have their blinker on.
23) When people end whatever they’re saying with “just sayin’.” Yes, thank you for clearing that up, because you JUST SAID IT.
The End.

Emalayyy

This is a poem I wrote for one of my most excellent friends about our time together living in Madrid. Only a handful of people are going to have any idea what I’m talking about here, everyone else can bask in the glory of my rhyming abilities.

Lost in the swirling lazor light

Sepparation of body and head

Twist until the morning light

Jim Brickman, blanket world, bed.

I have 3 exams next week

Perhaps I’m very screwed

But I can’t pass up a taco night

That would be very rude.

Whenever I was frowning you knew just what to say

Standing in front of me waiting for the Sunrise Express Bus

Catching my hate rays.

Er homar for patatas bravas

Always hit the spot

Que tranquila las terrazas

Cien montaditos rocks.

Brussels was ridiculous, a wild, crazy mess

So much absinthe, I can’t see!

Chi Chi’s buffet passed the test.

Time to buy some costumes at the corner chino store

“Do I look like a lesbian?”

“Yes. You do. For sure.”

Tingas, Gringas, Conchinitas, Tequila and Sangrita

Put them all together for some happy señoritas. 

Journey down the circular towards the center of the earth

Wish we’d just walked up to cuatro

A euro down for all self worth

Flying up to McDonalds for a McPollo and McFlurry

“Hey are you awake? We can make McDonalds breakfast if we hurry.”

Skipping around the streets in Sol

Where to next? We both would shrug

Even though we always knew the answer would be DUBS.

Coming home in perfect time to steal absurd amounts of baguettes

Pizza baguettes, lentil soup and pot pie, lest we forget.

Taking a break from heavy bass, we’d sit around and yawn

Then perk back up with energy to lip sync some Celine Dion.

Running around in Kapital

So many floors in which to hide

A zebra running through the African Bush

With my little snail on the side.

Cigarealtalk

You can learn a lot about someone just by the type of cigarette they smoke. Like bumper stickers, they’re a great way to get to know someone without ever having a conversation.
What your cigarette of choice says about you:
Parliament Lights: You probably work in a restaurant, have done, or currently do a lot of drugs or you’re 17 and want to look cool but will soon become addicted and switch to Marlboro Lights.
Marlboro Lights: The Bud Light of cigarettes. You’re in between quitting or bumping up to 27’s, and you’re most likely a woman in your twenties.
American Spirits: For when you want your ‘smoke break’ to be 45 minutes long. Natural cigarettes are an oxy-moron too by the way, but whatever makes you feel better, hipster hoo hoo. Just because a soda has zero calories doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
Marlboro 27’s: You probably have a beard, wear plaid everyday and live somewhere cold and alternate between smoking 27’s and packing lips of Grizzly Wintergreen.
Marb Reds: You’re probably bald and wear a leather jacket and drive a truck. You’re unhealthy and want everyone to know it… next stop emphysema.
Virginia Slims: Seriously?! Vagina Slimes?? You’re annoying. Stop asking me if I have a case of the Mondays. Go away.
Newports: Well, you’re either black, from New Jersey or hooked on a plethora of drugs… perhaps even a combination of all three.
Clove Cigarettes: You don’t smoke very often, but when you do you want it to make up for all the damage you haven’t done to your body by not smoking regular cigarettes and you enjoy coughing up fiberglass.
Pall Malls: You’re broke and desperate. Time to re-evaluate your life.
Lucky Strikes: Ohhh you wanna dance with somebodyyy, and you like to wear things with fringe.
Camel Blues: You’re an art student, in the creative industry or a musician in your mid to late 20’s and have settled on your brand and only smoke other brands if you have to bum one. Also you probably wear Ray Bans and skinny jeans.
Any brand of cigarette in 100 form: You’re either a 65 year old female that wears fur coats, oversized sunglasses and way too much lipstick or you’re superficial and obnoxious and say things like “kitten” and “for realz” OR you’re a chain smoking writer with a Heineken in one hand and a cigarette in the other at all times.

Swisher Sweets: Pass it to the left.

If you roll your own: You’re either in jail or don’t trust anything you don’t make yourself.

That’s all I have time to analyze at the moment.
Cigarettes and shell art have two things in common: 1- They’re stupid 2-They’re OVER
Time to quit boys and girls. There’s cooler ways to die.
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The Rules of “The Game”

Every relationship is like a story. There is a beginning, a middle and sometimes an end and most of us have many stories to tell. I celebrated my 23rd birthday last week and during the 48-hour hangover I endured after my birthday party I thought over the many “men” I’ve let into my life.  Some of them were and will only be friends, but many and most of them were all of that and more. Bad boys, co-workers and next-door neighbors, undeniable chemistry, short flings and real love. The relationships you find yourself in are dysfunctional in their stability and full of truth in their lies. We have all been courted, we have all gone after what we want and we have all been picked up and let down. But, without trying to sound like a Carrie Bradshaw column title, in looking at the perception of men and women in relationships, what are the rules of the game?

When you meet someone and hit it off, does anything go? Should you wait before sleeping with them or should you do what you want to do? Do you take things slow and steady or do you win the race? I have a lot of friends that are guys, because I prefer crude humor, drinking beer and laughing when people fart, but I am in fact a woman and therefore as much as I make fun of girls, my perspective on this topic is tilted in the female corner.

Girls are all a little nuts. I am the first to admit it. We overthink, overdress, over analyze and care way too much about pretty much everything. We think guys want us when we don’t want them, we think saying how we feel will mean anything after a relationship is over. We think that if a guy doesn’t call, it’s because he’s “too busy,” we think they don’t care if our legs are a little prickly and we think that men will sit and laugh with us when we lip sync to Celine Dion songs with our friends in our living room. Like I said, girls are a little nuts.  But how many insensitive, narcissistic “dudes” do we run through before we stop and ask ourselves, “What are you doing?!?” It is so easy to blame other people for the circumstances you find yourself in, but at the end of the day, you make your own choices and can only find yourself accountable for your actions, because this is your life.

So, the rules are, there are no rules. If it’s right, it will happen. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, so if you are in a relationship that is making you question or doubt yourself, then you need to get out of it and run away! You are the voice inside of your head; you are the one that makes your decisions, so if someone else if hurting you, don’t let them. In the words of the wise and hilarious Katt Williams, “Life is too mother fuckin’ short!” It’s okay to be single and if you meet someone and they never call, don’t fuckin’ sweat it. Have fun and be happy with yourself. There is nothing more attractive than self- confidence and if anyone tries to question that, well… they’re an idiot. Don’t change yourself for someone else because it will only hurt you in the end. So go sing “Push It” at Karaoke and don’t look at the screen for any of the words, because you probably know them all and if you don’t, make up your own words. Keep dancing to the beat of your own drum and people will keep dancing with you if they can keep up with the beat.