A lively crowd.
Sometimes, it’s the little moments of victory in life that boost your ego the most. Here are 32 of my recent personal favorites.
When you see girls from High School that used to be skinny and now they’re gigunda.
When you watch a mermaid movie and get the urge to go swimming, but choose to splash around belly down with your head under water in the bathtub instead.
When you think you’re out of food, but then remember there’s string cheese in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.
When you find out the boy who ruined a decent portion of your life in High School is now engaged to an ogre.
When you bring home a guy from a bar that’s walking distance from your apartment, and the following morning he tells you he lives 3 miles down the road so then you tell him you don’t have a car and make him do the walk of shame.
When you freestyle rap and rhyme “midget” with “legit” and everybody freaks out.
Finding a ring pop in your purse.
When you find out one of your childhood friend is a porn star now.
When you’re eating something delicious in front of your friends and you know they want some, but you eat every bite, over-emphasizing how delicious it is.
When you’re picking your nose and realize that people are staring at you, but you continue anyways.
When you have everything you could possibly need… in your purse.
When you’re at a concert and successfully poke a guy in the butt and run away so he thinks it was the strange man standing next to him.
When there’s a Chic-Fil-A next door to your apartment.
When people keep complimenting your outfit… and you got it at Target.
When you finally have an opportunity to quote one of the 10 books you’ve ever read in your adult life in an intellectual conversation. Which is even more thrilling because 4 out of those 10 books were Chelsea Handler novels.
When you wake up in the morning and then realize you still have two more hours to sleep.
Anytime you eat Cooler Ranch Doritos.
When you get a mani-pedi and the little Asian lady massages your shoulders like a magical massaging panda bear from heaven.
When you and your friend both go into a public bathroom at the same time and you choose the only stall WITH toilet paper.
When you Tupac Walk away from someone to end a conversation.
When you’re unpacking and find your “Rocko’s Modern Life” t-shirt when you move into your new apartment.
When groups of people spontaneously burst into the theme song from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” in it’s entirety.
When you put your IPOD on shuffle and Missy Elliot comes on.
When someone shows up to a party with chips AND french onion dip.
When you give yourself a shampoo Mohawk and bubble beard in the bathtub.
When you decided not to straighten your hair today and you’re walking outside and it starts to rain.
When you think the cereal box is empty, but magically there’s just enough for one more bowl. THANK YOU JESUS!
When you say something funny at the perfect moment, and make someone spit their drink out.
When you put on an article of clothing you haven’t worn in a while and find money in the pocket.
When you’re eating outside at a restaurant and a guy walks by selling bubble blowers. Some may call it being taken advantage of in a moment of weakness… I call it spontaneous opportunity for nostalgic adventure.
When you have flying dreams.
When you read this post a year later and it’s still just as bad as you remember it being. Woops!
I wrote a previous post about things that make me want to punch people in the face, there are a lot of them and that list continues to grow. But to avoid the assumption that I have anger problems, I wanted to show you all that I am in fact a happy human being and find happiness in a multitude of different things. So, there are plenty of things that make us all happy and here is a lengthy list of my own… not kidding, it’s a long one:
Catching all the green lights.
When I’m pumping gas and it stops on an exact dollar amount.
Naps. Naps. Naps. Naps. Naps.
Finding a parking place quickly.
That “Jurassic Park” is coming out in 3-D. (!!!!)
A glorious view.
When I have more than $50 in my bank account.
Drawing inappropriate art work on fogged up windows and/or dirty cars.
Beating people to the punchline.
Screaming bloody murder before the roller coaster has started it’s plunge… I enjoy confusing people.
White cherry ICEE’s at the movies.
Coloring. On paper, people, walls… whatever.
Poking someone in the butt at a crowded bar and then swiftly moving away and making them think it was someone else. Hilarious.
Knowing every word to extremely offensive rap songs.
When I’m losing weight without trying/ when I put on my pants and they’re loose. Best feeling.
When I’m hung over and it’s raining outside.
Boys with beards and plaid shirts. mmmmmm
Chocolate milk/ a bomb ass breakfast.
Yelling inappropriate things during awkward silences.
Getting something right on the first try.
Making concert friends.
Spice Girls Radio on Pandora.
Pictures of Marilyn Monroe.
Reminiscing with my friends about all the ridiculous things we’ve done.
Cool/inventive/interesting tattoos. Not chinese symbols or the Tasmanian devil.
Summer lake time.
Swinging on swings.
Finding my favorite pen.
My pre-shot taking rituals. Don’t want to do it? Alright then, enjoy being struck by lightening.
When I find out something awesome that completely blows my mind. Like that you can make grilled cheese in a toaster if you turn the toaster sideways. BOOM.
Never having to do math or science or any of that nonsense ever again.
All that music.
Playing corn hole.
When I find something that I thought I had I lost forever.
Reuniting with friends.
Funny videos and pictures on the internet machine.
When I open my refrigerator and there’s food in it.
Harry Potter marathons.
When my cat lies around on his back because he’s so fat.
90’s Nickelodeon, but that’s another conversation entirely.
Not having a roommate so I’m free to do things like walk around naked in my apartment for extended periods of time.
When I get good grades on things that I did at the very last minute.
Live music and Festivals. It’s always a happy time being around people just like you.
Arts and crafts time… It knows no age.
When my grandma brings me awesome things that I didn’t ask for. Like, flip video cameras and George Foreman grills. I love you grandma.
Good belly laughs.
Epic handshakes. Not the typical hello nice to meet you ones, but the kind you make up with a friend, simple or complicated… it’s your choice.
There we go, just to name a ton. Don’t worry be happy people!
This is a story about what it was like during a typical day growing up in the suburbs to the tune of “Unforgivable.” Because it’s hard out there in the burbs.
Wake up in the morning and don’t want to get out of my queen size bed. 5 more minutes. Try and decide what color Abercrombie sweatshirt I should wear today. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME. Before I go to school my Mom makes me an egg sandwich and SOMETIMES she makes me cinnamon toast when I ASK for it. I get in my Jeep Liberty that my parents bought FOR me, back out of the three garage and drive 10 minutes to school, over the speed limit, with NO SEATBELT ON! Everything is fine until I get stuck behind a bus. NOW I’m late! My crush is driving in front of me, but the crossing guard lady doesn’t let me through! She’s messing up my game, so I shoot her a DIRTY look.
I didn’t do my homework so I get a muffin from the cafeteria and I go take a nap in the nurse’s office and pretend I have cramps so she’ll write me a note excusing me from class. Always gotta cheat the system. I even held my salad up slightly off the scale when I went to pay during lunch so my salad was CHEAP. And now I have money to buy as many energy drinks and as much candy as I WANT. Yee.
After school I go directly to dance team practice and finish choreographing our half time routine for next weeks game. Three words: BACKHANDSPRINGS, SPLITS, KELIS.
After that I went to piano lessons and played Fur Elise. PERFECTLY. I’m gonna KILL it at my recital.
Then I met my best friends at Panera so we could study and eat pastries and GOSSIP. No one can believe that girl repeated her outfit TWICE in two weeks. So sad to see people hit rock bottom.
Went home and laid on the couch. 400 Channels and NOTHINGS ON, not even on HBO. Dad got home from work at like 6:30 and gave me a HUG. Moms was already cooking dinner. SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS. I tell them to let me know when it’s ready!! Then I go outside and jump on the trampoline and do mad flips even though my dad tells me NOT to. YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!!
Dinner is served.
The family sits around the table. I tell my sister I like her outfit and she tells me I can borrow it! Then we all ask each other about our days and watch Entertainment Tonight followed by Hollywood Squares. DAMN Whoopi is killin’ it AGAIN tonight in that center square! Mom reminds me that the cleaning lady is coming in the morning so I need to straighten up my room. I roll my eyes and then throw everything in my closet. Why do I have to clean before someone else is coming to clean??? …NOT cool.
Then I start a group chat with my crew on AIM and we make a game plan for the night. I set some Dashboard Confessional lyrics as my away message and I head out. I pull up in the center of town and meet up with my friends. Everybody’s parents are home so we get someone’s older brother to buy us beer and we drink it in my friend’s tree house until his parents go to bed. Then we sneak in the back sliding door and play VIDEO GAMES. TILL 4AM! And we watch movies that we’re not supposed to watch so we sink up the Nintendo-64 to switch it quick in case Moms came down. IT WAS STRESSFUL. And in then the middle of the night I wake up and go into the kitchen and eat some leftover American Chop Suey my friends mom had made for dinner and drink some juice cocktail FROM THE CARTON. Then I put on some American Eagle pajamas and I go to SLEEP.
Because tomorrow…I gotta do it all again.
Computers are magical, the Internet is sweet and technology is just all around awesome, fantastic and every other synonym for GREAT that you can think of. I think if I were forced to go through school or do advertising work without it I would probably shoot myself in the face, long division was where I drew the line. But with the majority of the Worlds population swan diving into the technology pool in an effort to make our lives simpler, I believe we are only making things more complicated… and it’s getting better all the time.
While I physically press the gas peddle to accelerate my car, all I do is plug in an address into my nav and MY CAR tells ME where to go and my car is 7 years old. Now cars can like sense when you’re falling asleep and wake you up and fucking park themselves and shit, which just blows my goddamn mind. (so many swears!) Maybe soon we’ll all just be able to I Dream of Jeannie ourselves everywhere… I would be fine with that.
We live in the real world, but most of our lives entail existing within virtual reality. VIRTUAL= Not physically existing as such but made by software to appear to do so. REALITY= the World or the state of things as they actually exist, a thing that is actually experienced on seen. Virtual reality is a complete oxymoron. It’s just funny to me that most of our experiences now involve sharing relevant content from the internet with each other and staring at a computer screen for the majority of our days or yelling at people on Xbox LIVE. And then when we are actually together, face to face, we talk about that viral video or meme or what the fuck ever from the internet with each other or talk shit about each other, or complain about how much work we have to do, or a combination of all three if you go to PC.
Like even when people go on vacation, where they’re supposed to be escaping reality for however long, they still “update” everyone by posting pictures of themselves online everyday, with their ridiculously oversized rainbow colored frozen beverages and themselves jumping on the beach to let you know how EXCITING their vacation is and a picture of every single outfit they wore on every single night of their trip. There is just no hiding from it. And I still catch myself looking at these pictures even though I don’t care at all! WHY?!?! Remember when going on vacation meant disappearing off the grid for a week or so and then coming back and telling people about it or just being fucking tan in the middle of the winter?
Now people can know exactly what’s going on in my life simply because we are Facebook friends. Which just means I have excepted their invitation to equally not care about what the other is doing with their life, and now know what’s going on with them enough to never actually have a conversation with them ever again, usually. And we all want to feel validated that other people “like” or approve of the things we are doing by updating our status, location and just sharing information with each other. I wish I didn’t actually “LOL” at pictures of ugly people walking around Wal-Mart and at videos of cats doing funny things, but I do!!
I guess the point is, don’t forget to listen to a vinyl record from time to time or to read a book or to go lay out on the beach without your cellphone, it’s good for you. Sometimes I wish I could just completely unplug myself, but then I think I would fail to function as a human being and would be shunned from society like the fat kid at dodgeball… so, I gotta stay connected even if it makes me feel like my brains going to explode. Unless I decide to pull a Chris McCandless, and then maybe someone will write a book about me, but I would fail at that too because I would need to Google everything in order to survive and would die of boredom, so fast. Fuck. Who wants to play Draw Something?
You’re close to my heart
And always by my front
This one goes out to you, my lovely lady lumps.
At the University of Fun Bags,
No one wants to pass.
We all hope for D’s in every class.
The secret’s out, Victoria
It’s your jugs.
Once they arrive,
Dramatic increase in hugs.
Throughout your day
You’ll get a lot more “hello’s”
If you show off
Your dirty pillows.
The all powerful pair,
They get shit done
Special treatment, promotions, free drinks and fun.
Dolly Parton’s sweater puffs
Pack a huge punch
On hers she can rest
Breakfast, dinner and lunch.
Bat your eyelashes
And push up your boobs
9 out of 10 times,
You’ll never lose.
When climbing up the corporate ladder
Cleavage will help you do it faster.
The twins always point you in the forward direction
And help get you into the VIP section
When the neckline is plunging
The boys can’t think clear
Excuse me there buddy,
My eyes are up here.
Boobies are something
The world loves to see
And they’re especially awesome,
When they’re in 3-D.
Pray for big knockers,
And hope God grants the blessing
Unless of course
You’re Deborah Messing.
Barbie has no nipples,
That’s a fact
But all in all,
Still a decent rack.
Heaven for the foreigner
Nobody puts boobies in a corner.
Often found painted
In museum pictures
And strangely resembled
By ceiling light fixtures.
They’re always supported,
Even when they’re not.
Three cheers for boobies,
Because we all know, they rock.
We’ll have no talk of man boobs though
That should stay quiet.
If you have those
You should go on a diet.
This is a poem I wrote for one of my most excellent friends about our time together living in Madrid. Only a handful of people are going to have any idea what I’m talking about here, everyone else can bask in the glory of my rhyming abilities.
Lost in the swirling lazor light
Sepparation of body and head
Twist until the morning light
Jim Brickman, blanket world, bed.
I have 3 exams next week
Perhaps I’m very screwed
But I can’t pass up a taco night
That would be very rude.
Whenever I was frowning you knew just what to say
Standing in front of me waiting for the Sunrise Express Bus
Catching my hate rays.
Er homar for patatas bravas
Always hit the spot
Que tranquila las terrazas
Cien montaditos rocks.
Brussels was ridiculous, a wild, crazy mess
So much absinthe, I can’t see!
Chi Chi’s buffet passed the test.
Time to buy some costumes at the corner chino store
“Do I look like a lesbian?”
“Yes. You do. For sure.”
Tingas, Gringas, Conchinitas, Tequila and Sangrita
Put them all together for some happy señoritas.
Journey down the circular towards the center of the earth
Wish we’d just walked up to cuatro
A euro down for all self worth
Flying up to McDonalds for a McPollo and McFlurry
“Hey are you awake? We can make McDonalds breakfast if we hurry.”
Skipping around the streets in Sol
Where to next? We both would shrug
Even though we always knew the answer would be DUBS.
Coming home in perfect time to steal absurd amounts of baguettes
Pizza baguettes, lentil soup and pot pie, lest we forget.
Taking a break from heavy bass, we’d sit around and yawn
Then perk back up with energy to lip sync some Celine Dion.
Running around in Kapital
So many floors in which to hide
A zebra running through the African Bush
With my little snail on the side.
Swisher Sweets: Pass it to the left.
If you roll your own: You’re either in jail or don’t trust anything you don’t make yourself.
Every relationship is like a story. There is a beginning, a middle and sometimes an end and most of us have many stories to tell. I celebrated my 23rd birthday last week and during the 48-hour hangover I endured after my birthday party I thought over the many “men” I’ve let into my life. Some of them were and will only be friends, but many and most of them were all of that and more. Bad boys, co-workers and next-door neighbors, undeniable chemistry, short flings and real love. The relationships you find yourself in are dysfunctional in their stability and full of truth in their lies. We have all been courted, we have all gone after what we want and we have all been picked up and let down. But, without trying to sound like a Carrie Bradshaw column title, in looking at the perception of men and women in relationships, what are the rules of the game?
When you meet someone and hit it off, does anything go? Should you wait before sleeping with them or should you do what you want to do? Do you take things slow and steady or do you win the race? I have a lot of friends that are guys, because I prefer crude humor, drinking beer and laughing when people fart, but I am in fact a woman and therefore as much as I make fun of girls, my perspective on this topic is tilted in the female corner.
Girls are all a little nuts. I am the first to admit it. We overthink, overdress, over analyze and care way too much about pretty much everything. We think guys want us when we don’t want them, we think saying how we feel will mean anything after a relationship is over. We think that if a guy doesn’t call, it’s because he’s “too busy,” we think they don’t care if our legs are a little prickly and we think that men will sit and laugh with us when we lip sync to Celine Dion songs with our friends in our living room. Like I said, girls are a little nuts. But how many insensitive, narcissistic “dudes” do we run through before we stop and ask ourselves, “What are you doing?!?” It is so easy to blame other people for the circumstances you find yourself in, but at the end of the day, you make your own choices and can only find yourself accountable for your actions, because this is your life.
So, the rules are, there are no rules. If it’s right, it will happen. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, so if you are in a relationship that is making you question or doubt yourself, then you need to get out of it and run away! You are the voice inside of your head; you are the one that makes your decisions, so if someone else if hurting you, don’t let them. In the words of the wise and hilarious Katt Williams, “Life is too mother fuckin’ short!” It’s okay to be single and if you meet someone and they never call, don’t fuckin’ sweat it. Have fun and be happy with yourself. There is nothing more attractive than self- confidence and if anyone tries to question that, well… they’re an idiot. Don’t change yourself for someone else because it will only hurt you in the end. So go sing “Push It” at Karaoke and don’t look at the screen for any of the words, because you probably know them all and if you don’t, make up your own words. Keep dancing to the beat of your own drum and people will keep dancing with you if they can keep up with the beat.