Monthly Archives: November 2012

One must always be methodical when choosing the first slice…

One must always be methodical when choosing the first slice...

May the force be with you.

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Dill Breaker

I have often pondered if I could possibly love anything in life more than I do Claussen dill pickles. You can go a lot of different places with that statement, but the answer will always be no.

I fucking love dill pickles with every fiber of my being. I love the halves, I love the spears, I love the mini ones, I love the wholes ones more than Snooki ever could and I even love those delicate little sandwich slices… so delicious in my mouth. My affinity for dill pickles began as a child and continues to grow with age. If it was still appropriate to get a side of pickles that was bigger than my actual meal, I would be ALL OVER DAT!

A few weeks ago, knowing pickles make my heart skip a beat, my boyfriend brought home  “hot and spicy” pickles from the grocery store. “I can get down with that,”I thought… I don’t mind spicy things and it’s still a dill pickle after all.

WRONG!

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These pickles were created in hell. The first crunch is pleasant, but then comes the burn. This lingering burning can only compare to what it must feel like to hold a lighter to your tongue… it’s so awful… so so awful. *sniffle sniffle tear* Just the sight of these “demon things” in the refrigerator makes me frown and shake my head from side to side.

Its taken me a little while to recover from this experience, but I would never walk away from dill pickles, ever… not even if my boyfriend tries to light my mouth on fire.

-You can find Satan’s dill pickles in the sadistic isle of your local grocery store.-

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THIS JUST IN: There was an Avalanche on Bullshit Mountain

THIS JUST IN: There was an Avalanche on Bullshit Mountain <—-WATCH THIS

Finally, the election is over! But, while most sane adults have the mental capacity to accept the results and get back to the day to day, for others (FOX NEWS) reality just simply can’t be real… and 1+1=4.

This article from The Huffington Post of Jon Stewart’s mocking of the Fox News’ election night meltdown is a certified LOLathon and I just needed to post the link for easy access ad infinitum… gobblety goop.

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Sight Seeing at the DMV

One of my top seven pastimes is people watching. Especially during moments when I’m somewhere I really don’t want to be… like the DMV or Tag Office. During the dreaded annual trip to the Tag office, instead of getting frustrated playing the eternal waiting game, I use that time to look around me and see what funny I can find and before I know it, it’s finally my turn to meet with the Wizard of Plexiglas and hand over 50 forms of identification and my soul.

Here are some findings/observations from my last trip to the Atlanta DMV/Tag Office:

  • In moments when you can’t escape, there’s always a crying baby
  • If you’re wearing a dress, keep your legs crossed tightly to avoid stares from the old man with x-ray wonky eye
  • No one on the planet looks good in fluorescent lighting
  • Some fun games to play are: Count the fitted Caps, Tic-Tac-Ghetto or Where’s Moo Moo?
  • Fat guy in a size shmedium shirt
  • Lots of ladies doing the Z-Snap believing the attitude will make the line move faster
  • Purple shirt, purple shorts, purple socks, purple shoes
  • Young fellow with an entire bottle of hair gel in his hair and newly developed scumstache, as seen here:Image
  • Old hippie with a tie die shirt that says: “I’m on island time”
  • A twilight zone of sandals and socks
  • Security guard, alternating between texting and falling in and out of consciousness
  • SKULLET!!
  • Woman sitting to my right, clipping her fingernails and then tossing the clippings into her purse
  • Middle aged woman who keeps asking if the number being called is her number, as somewhere along the way, she never learned how to count …or read

Ahh yes, nothing like waiting around in a room full of strangers that don’t want to be there either. After making your way to the front of the line at last, don’t be surprised if you’re mysteriously missing some required form, sending you stress twitching and dragging your feet back to the end of the line…which has now doubled in length. Do your best to try and find something to make you laugh during life’s terrible moments, even if it’s laughing at someone else’s expense (other people are probably making fun of you in their heads too.) Whenever dealing with government offices, always clear your entire day and while you wait, sit back and enjoy the show.

See you all in Hell!

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