Monthly Archives: June 2012

Life Lessons from Horror Movies


–Choose your dolls carefully.

–Pay attention to creepy foreshadowing.

–Never, under any circumstances, go into a basement or an attic alone.

–Keep your eyes on the road.

–Avoid men who are way too involved with their mothers.

–If you’re going to hide, choose a creative spot… NOT under the bed, in a closet or somewhere where everything is hidden except for your feet.

–Any stepmother is bad, no matter how nice she may seem, she is evil in some way.

–The girl floating on the inner tube will be shark victim #1.

–The old, fat, sweaty man wearing nothing but overalls is gonna getcha.

–Never set foot in an abandoned mental institution if you ever want to see the light of day.

–If an old man and a little boy are making direct eye contact with each other for an uncomfortably long amount of time, they’re probably communicating telepathically and it’s time to change all your plans… unless you want to get caught in a slow motion flash flood of blood.

–If you stop to pick up a hitchhiker, you are suicidal.

–When you finally think the coast is clear, don’t forget to look UP.

–If there are no other people staying at a motel on the side of the road, neither should you.

–Never stand right next to the edge of the bed, EVER! The only safe way to get in and out of the bed, is by running leap or long jump.

–If there’s a legend of a ghost or hook handed serial killer appearing after you say their name repeatedly into the mirror, don’t try it… for the love of God.

–Step 1: Creepy gas station Step 2: Violent death

–People from the country hate people from the city.

–Sketchy rides aren’t the only thing to fear at traveling carnivals.

–Always keep your gas tank somewhat full.

–Stay away from cornfields.

–Remember, everyone has secrets.

–Always make sure you lock the doors and windows.

–Clowns live down in the sewer, where everything floats.

–Don’t wander through unfamiliar woods, especially when you’re tripping.

–Nothing good ever happens at 3am.

–Before moving into a new place, always make sure no one was murdered or committed suicide there first.

–Don’t play hide and seek in graveyards.

–It’s pronounced SarDO! No Mr. … accent on the doh! (Not a movie. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

–Never bully anybody…they will always get the last laugh.

–Always use a nightlight.

–The only way to kill a zombie is by removing the head or destroying the brain.

–Vampires are very sexy and have a lot of feelings.

–You’re never safe on a lake, not even from sharks or piranhas.

–The hot, intellectual girl, who keeps her clothes on, dies last.

–If you’re black, using steroids or you’re having sex, you’ll die first.

–If the power goes out, grab a flashlight… and a machete.

–No one is safe from product placement.

–Don’t purposefully spend the night in creepy places.

–It’s not cotton candy, that’s for sure.

–If someone has a freaky premonition when they first get on an amusement park ride… get the fuck off.

–Adopted orphan children are full of surprises.

–Surprise! You’ve been dead the whole time.

–If you wake up and are trapped in an unfamiliar setting with a group of strangers, try and figure out what you all have in common and follow the autistic kid.

–Hiding under the covers doesn’t do any good.

–Never underestimate things or people that are half your size.

–Always check your back seat, bathtub and behind closed doors for things that could be lurking.

–Dead people can still call you on the telephone.

–Never assume something is dead. Making fucking SURE.

–Don’t investigate urban legends. Let that shit be.

–Any weird old lady is most certainly a witch, so be nice, be helpful and always keep your distance.

–Emaciated, flexible girls are the best candidates for possession.

–Never trust anyone with a lazy eye.

–Never stand in pools of water or you’ll probably be electrocuted.

–You’re not safe, not even in your dreams.

–Keep the one eyed monster in its cage, or you WILL be dismembered.

–Never go live with your estranged aunt.

–Always fear any man in a mask.

–If a deal sounds too good to be true… it is.

–If a door is bolted shut and hidden behind a wall, it’s probably for a reason… so leave it closed.

–The police will never believe you, until it’s too late.

–Electronic devices are the gateway to hell.

–Always look before you sit on a toilet.

–There is no place more unsafe than a cabin in the woods.

–Do a lot of cardio… you never know when you’ll need to run for your life.

–Good intentions get you no where.

–There’s nothing “fun” about a fun house.

–Keep in mind that every decision has consequences.

–Unless you made it yourself, don’t drink it.

–The scariest things are the things you can’t see.

–Keep matches or a lighter on you at all times, you never know when you might need to ignite some gasoline.

–Having a roommate = a very bad time.

–Stay far away from Eastern Europe.

–Keep your showers brief.

–Bad things happen to those who snoop.

–The Devil made me do it.

–Rock, paper, scissors…. butcher knife.

–Really pale girls with long dark hair hiding their face only want revenge.

–The sequel is only the beginning.

–If you don’t understand the language of something written in blood in a book full of satanic imagery… please don’t read it out loud.

–Real killers have ominous, anxiety inducing, theme music.

–Beware of the true campfire story.

–Never ride a tricycle down hotel hallways.

–Somebody always pees their pants.

— Indian Burial Grounds are not a joke.

–Senior Proms never end well.

–If at first you don’t succeed, you can always be on True Blood.

–Be very careful of who you invite inside your home.

–Never be sure of a squeaky door.

–They will always find a way for the hot girl to end up naked.


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The Swing of Things

We are all blessed with many gifts. Things we excel at, things that help us to rise up and succeed in our own fields. In high school, and even during some of college, it’s a level playing field. But once you graduate or leave, that field drops and people rise and fall as they will, moving in the appropriate direction towards success or failure.

Sure, many trials and tribulations face us all along the way, because life would be no fun if everything was easy, but sometimes we have to face unnecessary rejection and unfair politics simply because the people in power make it so.

I haven’t written an angry blog yet, so this is the one… kind of.

I work in advertising, a cutthroat industry that thrives on the understanding of different demographics of consumers and in coming up with concepts and ideas. It’s all about ideas.  I love what I do, but one thing I do not love is undeserved praise, credit or accolade.

Hard work pays off. That is an unquestionable fact. You get out of something what you put into it. Sometimes the first idea that came to mind might end up being the best one, but you have to pick your brain and get other ideas out of you before you can decide for certain which idea is best. Whatever the method to your madness may be, the more ideas the better. Again, that is an unquestionable fact.

An inherent belief of mine is that no matter how good you think you are, or contrary wise, how unsure of yourself you are, that you can always get better. I’m a deep thinker and often pick things apart or try and find a deeper meaning in things that only have face value, but I push myself. I think, think, think and I figure it out, always. When you’re good at something, others will take notice, but what if you’re not good at something, should people push you harder and fill you with a false sense of confidence?

If you’re trying to fit a square into a circle hole and it’s just not working and then suddenly someone comes along and fills your head up with the belief that maybe, just maybe it will… it’s still not going to fucking fit. I understand that we live in a world where people are born privileged, physically and financially, but at some point that playing field has to drop too and the mental aspect takes over. You’re either smart or you’re not, gifted or lacking. Sure, practice makes perfect, but if it’s not meant to be, it’s just not. I wish people would stop pumping in the positive reassurance when it’s undeserving, so the people who actually DO have it can dig some roots in, instead of being perpetually up-rooted by weeds.

As long as you are confident with yourself, the unjustified momentary praise and temporary success of others shouldn’t matter, because everything will work out as it should and you should only ever worry about bettering yourself.

As Yoda said, “Do or do not, there is no try.” I guess it’s best to let the Universe work as it will and not to give any extra thought or energy into worrying about things, or people, that in the grand scheme of things, really don’t matter at all.

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