Life Lessons from Horror Movies

**HeLLo… WE’RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME…**

–Choose your dolls carefully.

–Pay attention to creepy foreshadowing.

–Never, under any circumstances, go into a basement or an attic alone.

–Keep your eyes on the road.

–Avoid men who are way too involved with their mothers.

–If you’re going to hide, choose a creative spot… NOT under the bed, in a closet or somewhere where everything is hidden except for your feet.

–Any stepmother is bad, no matter how nice she may seem, she is evil in some way.

–The girl floating on the inner tube will be shark victim #1.

–The old, fat, sweaty man wearing nothing but overalls is gonna getcha.

–Never set foot in an abandoned mental institution if you ever want to see the light of day.

–If an old man and a little boy are making direct eye contact with each other for an uncomfortably long amount of time, they’re probably communicating telepathically and it’s time to change all your plans… unless you want to get caught in a slow motion flash flood of blood.

–If you stop to pick up a hitchhiker, you are suicidal.

–When you finally think the coast is clear, don’t forget to look UP.

–If there are no other people staying at a motel on the side of the road, neither should you.

–Never stand right next to the edge of the bed, EVER! The only safe way to get in and out of the bed, is by running leap or long jump.

–If there’s a legend of a ghost or hook handed serial killer appearing after you say their name repeatedly into the mirror, don’t try it… for the love of God.

–Step 1: Creepy gas station Step 2: Violent death

–People from the country hate people from the city.

–Sketchy rides aren’t the only thing to fear at traveling carnivals.

–Always keep your gas tank somewhat full.

–Stay away from cornfields.

–Remember, everyone has secrets.

–Always make sure you lock the doors and windows.

–Clowns live down in the sewer, where everything floats.

–Don’t wander through unfamiliar woods, especially when you’re tripping.

–Nothing good ever happens at 3am.

–Before moving into a new place, always make sure no one was murdered or committed suicide there first.

–Don’t play hide and seek in graveyards.

–It’s pronounced SarDO! No Mr. … accent on the doh! (Not a movie. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

–Never bully anybody…they will always get the last laugh.

–Always use a nightlight.

–The only way to kill a zombie is by removing the head or destroying the brain.

–Vampires are very sexy and have a lot of feelings.

–You’re never safe on a lake, not even from sharks or piranhas.

–The hot, intellectual girl, who keeps her clothes on, dies last.

–If you’re black, using steroids or you’re having sex, you’ll die first.

–If the power goes out, grab a flashlight… and a machete.

–No one is safe from product placement.

–Don’t purposefully spend the night in creepy places.

–It’s not cotton candy, that’s for sure.

–If someone has a freaky premonition when they first get on an amusement park ride… get the fuck off.

–Adopted orphan children are full of surprises.

–Surprise! You’ve been dead the whole time.

–If you wake up and are trapped in an unfamiliar setting with a group of strangers, try and figure out what you all have in common and follow the autistic kid.

–Hiding under the covers doesn’t do any good.

–Never underestimate things or people that are half your size.

–Always check your back seat, bathtub and behind closed doors for things that could be lurking.

–Dead people can still call you on the telephone.

–Never assume something is dead. Making fucking SURE.

–Don’t investigate urban legends. Let that shit be.

–Any weird old lady is most certainly a witch, so be nice, be helpful and always keep your distance.

–Emaciated, flexible girls are the best candidates for possession.

–Never trust anyone with a lazy eye.

–Never stand in pools of water or you’ll probably be electrocuted.

–You’re not safe, not even in your dreams.

–Keep the one eyed monster in its cage, or you WILL be dismembered.

–Never go live with your estranged aunt.

–Always fear any man in a mask.

–If a deal sounds too good to be true… it is.

–If a door is bolted shut and hidden behind a wall, it’s probably for a reason… so leave it closed.

–The police will never believe you, until it’s too late.

–Electronic devices are the gateway to hell.

–Always look before you sit on a toilet.

–There is no place more unsafe than a cabin in the woods.

–Do a lot of cardio… you never know when you’ll need to run for your life.

–Good intentions get you no where.

–There’s nothing “fun” about a fun house.

–Keep in mind that every decision has consequences.

–Unless you made it yourself, don’t drink it.

–The scariest things are the things you can’t see.

–Keep matches or a lighter on you at all times, you never know when you might need to ignite some gasoline.

–Having a roommate = a very bad time.

–Stay far away from Eastern Europe.

–Keep your showers brief.

–Bad things happen to those who snoop.

–The Devil made me do it.

–Rock, paper, scissors…. butcher knife.

–Really pale girls with long dark hair hiding their face only want revenge.

–The sequel is only the beginning.

–If you don’t understand the language of something written in blood in a book full of satanic imagery… please don’t read it out loud.

–Real killers have ominous, anxiety inducing, theme music.

–Beware of the true campfire story.

–Never ride a tricycle down hotel hallways.

–Somebody always pees their pants.

— Indian Burial Grounds are not a joke.

–Senior Proms never end well.

–If at first you don’t succeed, you can always be on True Blood.

–Be very careful of who you invite inside your home.

–Never be sure of a squeaky door.

–They will always find a way for the hot girl to end up naked.

*******************************AND NOW YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO SHARE THIS BLOG OR ELSE WHOOPI’S GONNA COME SNATCH YOUR EYEBROWS. PASS IT ON OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES.************************************

Advertisements
Tagged , , , ,

2 thoughts on “Life Lessons from Horror Movies

  1. This is a funny and very comprehensive list, and I particularly like the rules about looking up, flexible possessed girls, and tricycles. BUT…the other day my autistic kid said Candyman five times in the mirror. Should I do it too?

  2. Amy Parker says:

    This cracked me up! “Surprise! You’ve been dead the whole time.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: