You can learn a lot about someone just by the type of cigarette they smoke. Like bumper stickers, they’re a great way to get to know someone without ever having a conversation.
What your cigarette of choice says about you:
Parliament Lights: You probably work in a restaurant, have done, or currently do a lot of drugs or you’re 17 and want to look cool but will soon become addicted and switch to Marlboro Lights.
Marlboro Lights: The Bud Light of cigarettes. You’re in between quitting or bumping up to 27’s, and you’re most likely a woman in your twenties.
American Spirits: For when you want your ‘smoke break’ to be 45 minutes long. Natural cigarettes are an oxy-moron too by the way, but whatever makes you feel better, hipster hoo hoo. Just because a soda has zero calories doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
Marlboro 27’s: You probably have a beard, wear plaid everyday and live somewhere cold and alternate between smoking 27’s and packing lips of Grizzly Wintergreen.
Marb Reds: You’re probably bald and wear a leather jacket and drive a truck. You’re unhealthy and want everyone to know it… next stop emphysema.
Virginia Slims: Seriously?! Vagina Slimes?? You’re annoying. Stop asking me if I have a case of the Mondays. Go away.
Newports: Well, you’re either black, from New Jersey or hooked on a plethora of drugs… perhaps even a combination of all three.
Clove Cigarettes: You don’t smoke very often, but when you do you want it to make up for all the damage you haven’t done to your body by not smoking regular cigarettes and you enjoy coughing up fiberglass.
Pall Malls: You’re broke and desperate. Time to re-evaluate your life.
Lucky Strikes: Ohhh you wanna dance with somebodyyy, and you like to wear things with fringe.
Camel Blues: You’re an art student, in the creative industry or a musician in your mid to late 20’s and have settled on your brand and only smoke other brands if you have to bum one. Also you probably wear Ray Bans and skinny jeans.
Any brand of cigarette in 100 form: You’re either a 65 year old female that wears fur coats, oversized sunglasses and way too much lipstick or you’re superficial and obnoxious and say things like “kitten” and “for realz” OR you’re a chain smoking writer with a Heineken in one hand and a cigarette in the other at all times.
Swisher Sweets: Pass it to the left.
If you roll your own: You’re either in jail or don’t trust anything you don’t make yourself.
That’s all I have time to analyze at the moment.
Cigarettes and shell art have two things in common: 1- They’re stupid 2-They’re OVER
Time to quit boys and girls. There’s cooler ways to die.