Different alcohols effect our personalities in different ways and bring out different sides of us with every sip. 10 years of practice, mixing, observation, trial and error and piecing together blackouts has provided me with the tools, information and first hand experience to comment on all things alcohol. I am no expert, but I may be a part time alcoholic. So, here is what I’ve observed about different types and brands of alcohol on a personal level as a drinking professional.
Tequila: Ohhh the wild wonderful world of Tequila. When you propose a tequila shot to a group of people you are usually faced with two responses, 1) A spring break style shout of “TEQUILA!! WOOO!!!” or, 2) an ‘I just smelled a terrible fart’ face distortion with simultaneous gag and side to side headshake while saying “Ughhh grossss, but okay, lets do it.”
If I’m overloaded with work and on a deadline and sending “sorry, maybe next time” texts to everyone, my friends know they only have to say one word to get me to come out with them: MARGARITAS. Some of my most ridiculous moments have occurred during tequila nights. Even if it involved flashing, very public displays of affection, climbing on top of parked vans in declaring of victory and doing somersaults down a busy street… I love tequila with all my heart.
Your biggest enemy while consuming tequila with your friends is anyone who is not drinking tequila, because you are all probably going to say and do a lot of embarrassing things and the person not drinking tequila probably won’t accept the “it was just the tequila talking” response.
Tequila is a party drink and it is meant to be enjoyed in excess. Ordering shitty tequila in a margarita is not a cardinal sin, but as your bank account increases, so should the quality of your tequila. Run away from any yellow tequila and into the arms of blanco/white tequila, chilled with salt and lime.
Jameson: Jameson is an acquired taste. I’ve concluded that in order to acquire a taste for Jameson though, you have to have a scrotum, a beard and wear either plaid flannel or khaki pants and boat shoes. This Irish whisky is the shot of choice for pretty much every guy I know and alternating shots of Jameson in between consuming beer is like peanut butter and jelly apparently, a legendary combination that should be passed down from generation to generation. Just not to me. Keep that shit away from me.
Rum: I don’t care if I’m standing at the North Pole in tube sox; if I’m drinking rum I feel fucking tropical. Rum makes me want to run around and dance and speak Spanish and be everyone’s best friend. But on the other hand, rum is a tricky little bastard and will sneak up on you quickly leaving you dead behind the eyes and slurring the words to “Poker Face” in everyone’s horror at Karaoke. Thank you for coming to my concert.
Beer: This frosty deliciousness brings people together. At the bar, during organized sports, tailgating. You name it. Beer makes everything better. Concerts, the guy you’re dating that won’t stop talking about himself, Taco Bell, human interaction and anything else that needs that little extra boost of awesome. A once shy individual may end up doing the “Stanky Leg” for everyone else’s entertainment or decide that they’re going to punch that wall if it keeps looking at them that way! Beer has turned from an adolescent misbehavior to an adult right of passage, a reward to ourselves for getting that project done, powering through a busy workday or for simply walking outside to get the mail. Job well done, crack one open, you deserve it!
There are so many different types of beer, each with their own story and stereotype which I’ll have to save for another blog, the only thing I have to say right now though is that I don’t understand how anyone can go out for a night of drinking and only drink dark beers, Like Guinness for example. Guinness is delicious, don’t get me wrong, but it is like drinking a five dollar foot long. Witnessing someone drink multiple glasses just blows my mind.
Whisky: I have recently entered my whisky phase and have worked from shots of Fireball up to Jack and Coke, which is impressive for me because I usually gag if someone is drinking whisky on tv, let alone if it’s in front of me. Whisky is fun, but makes me feel very entitled and aggressive. Whisky is like an archeologist re-discovering feelings buried deep inside. “Remember when you didn’t give me my sweatshirt back 8 years ago? I didn’t forget, I want it back.” It’s like I can feel my neck turning redder and redder with every sip as I huddle with my friends to decide a plan of action for the rest of the nights bad decisions and how best to end up passed out in the back of a taxi.
Wine: Deliciousness. There is just so much to explore in the world of wine. It pairs well with meals, makes you feel like you should lift your pinky up and crystal glasses are ideal for making beautiful music. Wine makes you feel silly, warm and in love with everything and then happy and then sad and then an slurring advice giver. And the side effect of drinking a glass before bed is sleeping like an infant. But, for those who lack self-control, wine can begin as a nice idea at dinner and then end up with you drinking out of the bottle and texting your ex-boyfriend that you miss his beard. Also, drinking too much wine is a guarantee for a 48-hour hangover of pure misery. If you are emotional at all, for the love of God, stay away from drinking wine and put the cell phone down!
Jagermeister: Jager reminds me of college. Having debates about its original recipe including deer’s blood and then twirling off to talk to other people. I feel like Jager is a shot that can be shared with minimal disgust amongst members of every drinking class without having to spend time discussing shot options, and more time drinking. I don’t know anyone who loves it enough to call it his or her “drink of choice,” but you should keep a bottle in your freezer anyways.
Vodka: There are so many epic mixology possibilities with Vodka. Vodka is great because you can hardly even taste it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Vodka reminds me of pre-gaming with my best friends and taking way too many pictures of ourselves on photobooth and pushing sweaty guys away from us at nightclubs and dancing with each other. If someone shows up to a party with a bottle of Vodka, some serious shit is about to go down and someone may end up crying or peeing their pants or both. So prepare yourself, take some deep breaths and think happy thoughts because Vodka could probably make Mother Theresa hulk smash a motherfucker, it’s that powerful. Liquid courage turns into liquid demon rage very quickly. Watch out for jungle juice, because that shit tastes like skittles and rainbows and Swedish fish partying inside of your mouth but overconsumption will surely lead to seeing double and ending up with blue jungle juice puke stains on your carpet that can only be removed by replacing that shit. Drinking is expensive.
Absinthe: Drink with caution and prepare for the most epic blackout of your entire life. There are so many different ways to take an absinthe shot and thousands of different types of absinthe itself to choose from and who doesn’t love seeing shit get set on fire?! BOOM! It is a fast acting drinking adventure that will have you waking up, partially blind from the worm wood that is still in your system, with no recollection of how you got back to your hotel room and maid service banging on your door because check out was 3 hours ago. You may not see a green fairy per say, but you will most certainly be flying high out of your mind.
And that is all for now, bottoms up!